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January 15, 2006

A Close Encounter with Jane Bussman

What's wrong?
Artificially inflated western living standards fermenting resentment in a third world youth demographic with access to an unregistered quantity of small arms. And I need a massage, I look like a homunculus, whatever that is.

What's your favorite crisps?

You make a shirt with a slogan, what does it say?

Tell us a joke?
Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio after her death? The radio, and the dashboard, and the steering wheel. Sorry, that's tasteless. That's as tasteless as tying a bunch of flowers to railings at the side of the road and waiting to see if any more turn up.

What did you do well today?
I fixed it for a former guerilla friend of mine in Africa to go into the bush to get a video tape of the most evil guerilla leader in the world outlining his manifesto. If he succeeds I've persuaded the BBC to look at it and it will bust wide open a dodgy government we pay millions to. Or my friend will have his knackers cut off and stuffed in his mouth and then this will probably count as something I did badly today.

What did you do badly?
See above. Also tried to help a really nice young guy with no legs who wanted to pump my gas and ended up accidentally making him realize his life was doomed. Bollocks.

They make a film about your life, what do they call it?
The Burgles of Dignity

Out of 10 how do you feel? 0 being suicidal, 10 being orgasmic?
9. I'm saving the +1 for a morning on a flat roof in California as yet to happen.

If you knew the world was going to end in 5 months, what would you do?
I would put a Winnebago on my credit card and drive across America with my mum looking for the most batty people in mystery holes, CIA alien centers, giant balls of twine, hurricane museums, then on the last day lock my mum in it and cop off with the funniest person I'd met. Then I'd moon every woman in the Top 100 Sexiest Women and laugh openly at Brad Pitt.

What words did you find trouble pronouncing when you were younger?

What is your favorite song? (make a list if you like)
White Stripes - Forever For Her
Dionne Warwick - Train and boats and planes (I travel a lot and survive by projecting these sentiments on weird airports)
John Lennon - Mother
Turntable Orchestra - You're Gonna Miss Me
LBL Orchestra - A Place To Crash
Trey Parker - Uncle Fukka
Smashing Pumpkins - Today
Where's Your Head At - Basement Jaxx (the xx is pathetic - are they toffs?)

Favorite album?
The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses. Actually it's pretty rubbish when you're not on ecstasy but I had a really good party on it in 1989.

What happened to your dreams?
Buttfucked and left in a skip outside a chemist. Found alive by old lady speed walkers, spent six months being re-taught to speak, rediscovered altruistic desire to change the world, limped to Africa, wrote comedy show, saved world. World proposes marriage. Tells world to go fuck itself, the hypocritical fuck.

Excluding Back for Good what was your favorite Take That song?
Write that one you like and I'll pretend I agree with you.

What's the king/queen of nuts?
Simsim. Groundnuts and sesame seeds ground together. In the realm of nuts, it's the royal family minus congenital syphilis

What crisps does James Bond eat?
Bacon. Smokey Bacon.

Who was your hero growing up?
Jonathan Miller for the frog electricity thing. I can't believe I said that. What a nerd. Should I say Paul Weller?

What's my best song? (can't choose Angels)
A Place To Crash

What's my worst? Don't worry I won't get offended (Can't choose Angels)
Millennium. See? You're offended.

Name your favorite Mr. Man?
That one in bandages. But what a clumsy fucker. His clumsiness incenses me even now. Berk.

Ever seen a ghost?
I see dead hamsters. Probably because his water bottle had fallen off the cage and I didn't notice for two days.

What super power would you like?
To make people come by looking at them.

What's your favorite TV program from the 70'sᆀ'sᆊ's?
Magpie. But boy did they screw me in their painting competition.
80s: Johnny Jarvis
90s: Brass Eye

Who was your first crush? Do you know her today?
She was called Rita, we were 14, she was half Indian and wore glasses. We were touching feet in a cupboard while reading crazy books and I asked her if we were lesbians and she said I hope not. It established a trend of failure. Oh, you mean blokes probably. A tall funny guy from Muswell Hill with black hair called Simon. No, I don't. Hope he's not working at Channel 4 like a cunt.

What's a good question for these questionnaires?
Have you ever thought "I can't believe I got away with that" and why?

When did you last sing to yourself? What did you sing?
When I sold my Audi to Sean Maguire and bought a Spider. Scared to drive it, therefore sang loudly Frank Muir doing the Tchaikovsky Nutcracker suite of all things.

Would you be willing to give up sex for a year if you knew it would give you a deeper sense of happiness than you have now?
No way. Satisfied happy people are a pain in the arse. I stick with self-aware self-mocking people who are generally more considerate, can take a joke and deserve affection and scrambled eggs.

What are your most compulsive habits, do you struggle to break these habits?
My inner child which is a fat bastard who can't keep my fist out the peanut butter. I once saw a hypnotist who told me to count down from 300 then she farted and ran out the room. £90!! These days I send my inner child out running, it's cheaper.

Write the first word that comes into your head at the end of this sentence?(can't be any of the words in this question)